The Tory Leadership Campaign: Suella De Ville, the Magician’s Assistant and the Fetid Jockstrap

Pariah Garrie gives us the lowdown on the motley crew of contenders for the Tory leadership now that Boris is on his way out. 

The following deck of cards has turned to a pack of wolves and the wildcard Joker is consigned to a box of other tricks.

The Cast (of soon-to-be shadows?)

Sunak – he, named for the golden orb, recently saw his ascendancy wane but there’s a solar-surge due and he might just have enough brilliance to ride out the storm. He’s proved he’s capable of sleight of hand, as well as nemesis, although any light was behind clouds in recent months. Has his core been dampened? Is this his political sunset? A few more dawns will tell.

Truss  – the game’s in the name but Johnson shouldn’t have relied on her support. Her credentials are those of a fetid jockstrap and she’s likely to tie the country up with a clove-hitch or two if she doesn’t trip over her own laces, before fashioning a noose for antagonists.

Zahawi – easy come, easy go: they should have let him go. He has the deft ability to accept, then wield and twist, a knife at the speed of a baton-twirler but can he lead anything? Definitely not to be trusted with any form of cutlery or other things from the top drawer.

Gove – he gyres and gimbles and his best friend is Cummings. They’re both at home in the swamp fondling their precious and, when not snorting the latest white stuff, oozing anything but charm.

Hunt – able to morph his name to the mood of the country. A long-legged contortionist, a shape-shifter, who can dance havoc on news readers’ lips whilst being the butt of the nation – oh, and a complete arsehole.

Tugendhat – the pragmatist who may have hidden charms. The question is, where does he have them hidden? His most interesting fact is his cousin, James, who has amassed 4 million sovs off the back of 80 dissolved companies with his longest tenure as director of any of these being, according to Companies House, little more than five months.

Wallace – erstwhile defender of the realm with an obsessive love of small-county cheese and inventions. Could this be our rocket-man or will he, in new Tory style, spaff it all on takeoff?

Mordaunt – the local hero and magician’s assistant with noxious powders beneath her cloak. Able to vanish at the whiff of a problem, just like him whose clown-shoes she’s seeking to fill.

Braverman – aka Suella de-Ville, the arch-villain whose sweet little lies, and crinkly-eyed smile, when she took office in a local ville hid that she’s modelling herself on Patel. Speaking of which…

Patel – a witch by any other name and certainly by nature. Not seeing her right now when she is usually a familiar means only one thing. Lock up the nation’s brooms, keep black cats indoors, and stuff grandmother up the chimney. Her Priti insidious magic is in swirl mode, and deadly. She wants to control the elements – the air, the earth and the sea. All should barricade against her and be scared that she cannot be seen. Cover your mirrors and control your own fires; any whiff of smoke and she’ll be in.

Dorries – no real contender and more likely to play a bit-part, or sell herself for bitcoin to the highest bidder. Might be cosying up with some ex-royals if she thinks there’s a Netflix contract in it. Don’t completely dismiss her, as yet, although the country probably will.

This may be the greatest drama yet. Don’t switch off! Episodes, psychotic and neurotic, will be aired daily – with little cost to the media but huge cost to the nation.

Image entitled ‘Secretary of State for Health and Social Care the Rt Hon Sajid Javid MP, Prime Minister the Rt Hon Boris Johnson MP, and Chancellor of the Exchequer the Rt Hon Rishi Sunak visit Queen Elizabeth II Hospital in Welwyn Garden CityHertfordshire (on April 6, 2022)’ reused under an Open Government License 3.