By an anonymous contributor.
Jul 2016: Britain holds a referendum, the result of which is to tell the EU to sod off.
Dec 2020: Britain leaves the EU without a deal. Downing Street accuses the EU’s unelected bureaucrats of sabotaging the process because they’re still in a strop over the ‘sod off’ thing.
Jan 2021: Street parties are held by Leavers up and down the country, resulting in dangerous shortages of British staples such as sausage rolls, crisps and six-packs of lager.
Feb 2021: Forced to eat other foodstuffs, even vegetables, Britons soon face shortages of most foods. Except Marmite.
Apr 2021: Prime Minister Boris Johnson introduces rationing, resulting in minor grumbling from less stoic citizens.
Jun 2021: Greatly encouraged by the lack of rioting, the PM also introduces a curfew and martial law in order to encourage the full Blitz spirit. Vera Lynn tops the charts. Under the government’s Workfare scheme, those on Job Seeker’s Allowance may be required to work for their benefits in one of the newly re-opened Spitfire factories.
Aug 2021: The Investigatory Powers Act (2016) is used to build a list of those who voted remain. Since Brexit is ‘the will of the people’, remainers, by a simple process of logic, are no longer considered people. As a result, Britain’s population officially drops by 16.1 million. ‘It feels roomier already!’ Nigel Farage says, from his compound outside Fort Worth, Texas.
Oct 2021: All remain-supporting political parties and media outlets are abolished. Since they have spent the last six years promoting Project Fear, they are ripe for prosecution under anti-terror laws.
Feb 2022: As a concession to the people, who don’t trust politicians, the role of Prime Minister is abolished. Boris Johnson is now referred to simply as The Leader. In a nod to his ancestry – and to demonstrate that he definitely isn’t racist – Johnson allows his subjects to use this title in Turkish, French or German.
Jul 2022: A project to grow bananas of suitably British dimensions proves too costly. The amount of funding is quickly hidden from public view using the newly minted Garden Bridge Act. The banana crisis is officially ended when Britain strikes a glorious trade deal with Belize.
Sep 2022: The tabloids conclude a concerted and moving campaign called Boris’s Law designed to restore the confidence of Britain’s most oppressed minority – straight white males. As a result, tank-topped bumboys, piccaninnies and those resembling letterboxes are no longer considered people. Britain’s population officially drops to 44 million.
Jan 2023: Britain concludes a trade deal with the United States in record time, although there are some concessions, such as a complete relaxation of firearm laws. American weapons flood into Britain, leading to a huge increase in gun crime, or ‘freedom’, as it is now officially known.
Mar 2023: A united Ireland votes to leave the UK. The resulting Guinness riots are quickly quashed in the newly formed Peoples’ Kingdom of Great Britain.
Nov 2023: Former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is sentenced to life in prison after being found guilty of the Salisbury novichok poisonings. ‘I told you!’ says Vladimir Putin. A trade deal with Russia follows. Cheap vodka floods into Britain, leading to a huge increase in cirrhosis of the liver, or ‘happiness’, as it is now officially known.
Jul 2024: Having held a second independence referendum, Scotland leaves Great Britain. The resulting shortbread riots are quickly quashed in the newly formed Peoples’ Kingdom of England and Wales.
Aug 2024: Jacob Rees-Mogg is tasked with travelling the country, hunting down pockets of remainers. In order to uphold tradition, he decides to do this on horseback, and adopts the sobriquet ‘Remain-Finder General’.
May 2025: Wales decides it might as well go too. Despite fears of leak riots, there is no resulting unrest in the newly formed People’s Kingdom of England.
Sep 2025: Lord Cummings asserts the genetic superiority of the rich. All non-millionaires are no longer considered people.
Dec 2025: King Charles, who hasn’t stopped wittering on about climate change since ascending to the throne, is ousted by Grand Inquisitor Cummings, who describes him as ‘the worst kind of champagne socialist’ and says there is no place for him in the newly formed Peoples’ Republic of England.
Jan 2026: Darth Cummings writes off the part of England outside the M25 as unprofitable and unworthy of government support. This leads to London being referred to in popular slang as ‘Job’ or ‘Career’, since it’s the only place in the country you can get one.
Feb 2026: Anti-government uprisings erupt south of the Thames. Shakespearean theatre-goers, modern artists and craft beer bar owners fight running battles with the people. Everything south of the river is abandoned by the government. The population is now officially 650,000 – 1% of what it was ten years previously.
Sep 2026: Using money and resources kindly donated by President Trump – now in a glorious third term – the wall around the City of London is completed. Peace is finally achieved, and all is well in the Peoples’ Democratic Republic of North Career.
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