Jon O’Pompi rakes the muck on Portsmouth’s post-Brexit shenanigans.
In a public statement designed to alleviate concern over public finances post-Brexit, Portsmouth City Council leader, Penguin McBarrel-On-Sticks revealed trade negotiations between Portsmouth and unnamed financial backers were already underway.
‘Yesterday morning I received an email from a contact very interested in helping us,’ she grunted. ‘The email explained that it will take a small amount of investment on our side, and in return, the finances that will be available to us will be literally unlimited.’
Asked to explain in more detail, she revealed that she had already transferred the modest sum of £20 million to the mysterious third party.
‘I can’t say much at the moment,’ she puffed coyly, ‘but suffice to say, we will reconnect with one of our old imperial possessions. Portsmouth will be just like before we started this bizarre experiment in pretending that Europeans are as good as us, way back in 1973.’
True to her prediction, the three day week and powercuts have been announced for later in the week, and children, long inculcated into bizarre notions of equality, have been entered into re-education classes consisting of unending episodes of Love Thy Neighbour.
‘Results from these new lessons are already yielding results,’ the Leader squeaked, pointing proudly at a firebombed curry house. ‘Now that’s what I call hot vindaloo.’
Asked to comment on rumours that the old imperial benefactor was in fact a Nigerian lawyer with amazing news of a previously unknown, infinitely wealthy relative, she would not be drawn.
However, Penguin did reveal that she had been assured that an infinite amount of money would hit the council’s bank account at two o’clock yesterday afternoon and that this was a vindication of Britain’s newfound ability to trade freely. However, after further questioning, she admitted that currently, an infinite amount of money had not yet been credited to the account.
‘I am committed to running the Council as a business,’ she dribbled as she came to the end of her statement, ‘Albeit a business where local communities absorb all the risk and I take all the credit and none of the blame.’
‘We all know that an infinite amount of money may take longer than a few pennies to credit to an account. In fact, getting all those zeros onto the account might take – well – forever,’ she added, looking nervously at her watch with a sudden look of realisation.
‘I think I may need to call my lawyers,’ she barked. ‘Rule Britannia!’
Image by Sarah Cheverton.