Following the departure of the previous Police & Crime Commissioner for Hampshire & the Isle of Wight at the May elections, the newly elected Lucifer Pillowtalk speaks exclusively to S&C about his priorities for the city.
Good people of Portsmouth, we are in the grip of a crimewave.
Incidents of ‘toxing’ where old ladies are assaulted with beautician’s bio-weapons are up a staggering 6000%. And that’s just over the last two hours. Facial stabbings are up 300% ever since a by-law was passed to make every Portsmouthian wear a Kevlar vest. Rather backfired that one, I think.
‘Cop-washing’ is also becoming a serious problem. This is where young tykes ride their BMXs up to police officers and vomit all over their helmets, chests and faces. Especially their faces. It’s not funny, it’s humiliating.
But the biggest challenge facing us is extremely youth crime. Gangs of six-month-olds make a wobbling mockery of justice by leaving trails of discarded nappies which almost invite you to slip up on them in a slapstick manner.
‘What will be our response?’ I hear you cry.
We’ll be shining a 100,000-candle beam into the morbidly deceitful. That’ll cure their tambourine hubris if anything will.
As of the anniversary of Rod Hull’s death we’re legalising pre-emptive self-defence. If you suspect that someone, somewhere, somehow might do doctrinaire nasty-nasty to your body or your house then you will be entitled under the law to drown them in Tipp-ex so long as you possess a buy-your-own PhD from a fictional Sunday school in Alberta.
I’m both sorry and apologetic to say that, as a force, we’re struggling with the cuts. We therefore must raise more fuzz tokens through rent-boy tithing and raffling off our riot control gear in lucky dips around Milton. And it’s vitally important that this happens in Milton.
Of course some of our policies have already been implemented and they’re working as efficiently as Fred Dinenage’s end-of-the-world fanaticism whispered through a sweet-and-sour ape trumpet (invented circa 1565 AD) while paddling backwards to the burnt-out Babycham factory on the dark side of the moon.
Our ‘anything but the nose’ scheme for street drugs has been instrumental in massively increasing the use of drugs that aren’t ingested through the nose, which is sort of an achievement in itself… because people are still doing lots of drugs, but just not up their noses.
Judges are helping us out by handing down tougher sentences such as reinforced bar billiards slavery, and I don’t want to hear these civil liberties groups whingeing like a mestastisized hillgriffin with an EQ of -35.
Where are the civil liberties of a poor man lying face-down in his own aneurystic bopshop spillage after having his tendons pan-fried by a hoglard rectophile?
With this hero intolerance approach we hope once and for all to rid our streets of those mucky great pumpstains who practise colonic salivation in and around the concrete vineyards of Landport.
That ought to fix things in God’s favour.
© TS Evinrude and Gorgeous Cretin