Pompey Reigns Victorious as Glastonbury ‘Hangs Up Wellies’

The music world was left stunned today due to Michael Eavis’ shock decision to never hold another Glastonbury music festival, reports resident satirist Claire Denise Udy.

Michael Eavis gave a surprising press conference today on the future of the Glastonbury Festival, as international media and his award-winning cows looked on in shock. Blaming the over saturation of the festival market within the last few years, Mr Eavis concluded he couldn’t keep up with the fierce competition.

‘This festival down the coast in Portsmouth wants to be as big as Glastonbury and they’ve got me worried. I was absolutely gobsmacked that they got Space to play, they are my favourite band and they said they’d never go anywhere else. That’s when I knew it was time to hang up my wellies.

‘Now Victorious want to match us, there’s just no point going on anymore.’

Mr Eavis has been holding festivals at the iconic Worthy Farm since 1970, donating millions to charity in the process. Capacity, including staff, is thought to be around 175,000 people – just shy of Portsmouth own population of 205,000. Glastonbury also boasts over 60 stages, and campsites totalling 900 acres.

In comparison, just 800 acres in Portsmouth would take you from Clarence Pier to Eastney Swimming Pool, up to Henderson Road, along Highland Road, Albert Road, Elm Grove, Kings Road and back down to Clarence Pier.

James Ralls, one of Victorious Festival’s curators seemed nonplussed at the news.

‘Council leader Donna Trump has told us that Victorious is making the economy in Portsmouth boom, and putting us on the map internationally. She told us we could be bigger than Glastonbury in just a few more years, but I guess she was being conservative. Well, she is Conservative, actually.

‘The real challenge for us is how we can beat Noel (Gallagher) this year. I don’t want to get anybody’s hopes up but we have serious interest from a band who sang about the moon.

‘I won’t say any more,’ Mr Ralls confided, tapping his nose and waving around an old Adam Sandler DVD.

Star and Crescent approached Cabinet member for Culture, Cllr Wanda ’50 Shades of’ Beige for her comment on the expansion of Victorious to a Glastonbury-like size, as the festival site is due to engulf her house within the next three years.

She told us, ‘The important thing of course is that it makes money, I mean, that it makes people happy.  Just because I don’t like street art doesn’t mean I don’t like music. I heard The Waterboys are playing next year, which will be an AAA booking on their part. Besides it ends by 11pm, just when I finish my cocoa before bed.’

Ben Miles, another of Victorious Festival’s curators used the press call about Glastonbury’s premature end to announce a new app to enable local residents to sublet their property over the festival weekend. The sublets will run alongside camping in the north of the city from next year’s festival.

‘We’re launching ‘PortsBnB’ in the next few weeks as we already have our 2017 tickets on sale. The rental fee will go straight to Victorious, and in exchange residents subletting their property will receive free tickets to the festival and complimentary drinks, worth well over £70.

‘There’s also the thrill of knowing that your sofa will directly contribute to the thousands being put into local economy from people outside of the city,’ smiled Mr Miles.

The new, bigger-than-Glasto Victorious Festival is due to return next year over August Bank Holiday Weekend, now including a Friday evening opening party.