Most of us ignore those shady emails offering us dubious investment opportunities in far-flung lands. But not the Portsmouth poet Richard Williams, who returns with part two of a decidely dastardly series.
Dear Mr Anslem Kim,
My name is Richard Dastardly and I am a personal friend of Joseph Mobutu. We are conducting a transaction under strictest confidence. I understand you will be organising the money side of things. My business partners in Ant Hill will be dealing with transferring funds in advance of using them for investment opportunities in the US. I will introduce you to the most senior member of the mob, Clyde, when the time is appropriate.
Please email me in response to this address. I am out on the road a lot at the moment, planning a trip to Arkansas, so may not be able to reply straight away.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Dear Richard Dastardly,
Sequel to your email, please be informed that you are free to contact me at any time for the conclusion of the transacti-on. Can you can forward your phone number for phone conversations?
I am in receipt of your mail and the content is well noted. Meanwhile I want you to understand that I appreciate your concern and effort in this transaction.
Please, I want you to travel to Amsterdam via the normal airport. Brother, it will be better if you travel now so that we can meet in Germany during the Xmas period. I do not want to delay getting the consignment claim in case we incur dummorages. Please do try your possible best to get the claim before the 21st December, OK? I am pleading to you with all my heart and love.
Brother, your friend you mentioned in your last email, Professor Pat Pending (the inventor), should go ahead and contact the Golden Globe Securities, then get back to me immediately so that we can proceed without any further delay.
Mr Joseph Mobutu
I’m not spending December in Germany – not sure where you got that from. As I explained, I am in a race between the 21st and 24th so can’t come over then. As you want me to fly over on a normal flight it will have to be the new year. My friend Red Max had offered to fly me over in his private plane. My dog Muttley also goes everywhere with me; not a problem in America, but might be with some of those Europeans.
I’ll let Pat Pending know. He’s developed a new Ring-A-Ding Convert-A-Car, which is pretty cool. What are dumorrages? Do you need to see a doctor? Are they like haemorrhoids? I was speaking to one of the Slag Brothers (Rock, not Gravel), and he had real problems with these. He got the guys from the Creepy Coupe to give him a scare. Soon cleaned him out. Hope you’re feeling better soon.
The Ant Hill mob are ready to look after the money for us. I’ve let the Army Surplus Sarge know that you don’t want any guns.
Anyway, enough chat for now. I’ve got an email from Golden Global Securities, so I’d better see what they have to say. I’ll get back to you soon.
Dick (please call me this from now on) Dastardly
Attn: Richard Dastardly
This is to inform you that we have received the instruction to release your consignment to you. As a matter of urgency you are expected to visit our Amsterdam office with the following:
1) Passport or driver’s licence.
2) Certificate of deposit.
3) Power of attorney empowering you to receive the trunk.
4) A total sum of 10,550 Euros cash for the insurance, handling charges and clearing fee.
Whoa there Anselm! Thanks for the email and I’m delighted to know that everything is progressing, but what’s this about 10,550 Euros? This is the first time you have raised the issue of money, and I’m sure my friend Nzanga would have mentioned this to me. Drat and double drat. I don’t know you and don’t know that you aren’t some double crossing double dealing rat.
What’s this with Golden Securities? I read my email from them the other day and they want 10,550 Euros. Are you sure about them? I’ve heard nothing since I replied to their message about this. I don’t think we can trust them.
I’m spending Christmas on my own. I had a hot date with the beautiful Penelope Pitstop but that flash bastard Peter bloody Perfect has got there first. So it’ll just be me and Muttley, my faithful dog. If I could just get my hands on that money I’m sure Penelope would come back to me.
We’re sorted with Pat Pending. Another 3 million dollars will finish off his project. Need the money quite soon on this though and with your funds you could own the first one off the production line. What do you think of that?
Dear Mr Richard,
Thanks for your mail. You are advised to confirm your readiness to move to Amsterdam Holland in order to take possession of the consignment.
It will be wise you spelt out your intention in this transaction so that we can proceed immediately without any further delay.
This is to officially inform you that we are closing business for the year on the 31st of December. However, we will re-open for the new year on 5th January. On behalf of members and staff of the Golden Global Security company, we wish you a merry Christmas and prosperous new year in advance and safe trip to your various destinations.
Happy new year to you. How was your Christmas? Did you get my last email? I’m still interested in helping you but I need to know what the deal is with Golden Securities. Why do they want this 10,550 Euros? I’ve got the money. Clyde from Ant Hill is ready and waiting to authorise fund clearance, and I’m ready to come to Amsterdam.
PS My Christmas was much better than expected, that Penelope – what a babe, wow!!
How are you doing today? Hope fine. I want you to please understand that Golden Global want the money for the insurance and handling charges.
Brother Please I want you to comply with them since you have the cash at hand now. Please send to the Amsterdam officer Mr Kim your flight schedule as soon as possible so that he can arrange for your hotel reservation and airport pick-up.
Do act as instructed and keep me posted, OK? Please do not disappoint me in this transaction as I have put all my confidence and trust in you.
Thanks for your understanding and effort.
I await your immediate response. Remain Blessed.
Mr Joseph N Mobutu
I’ve been in touch with Clyde from the Ant Hill Mob who is releasing the 105.50 Euros in cash for me to bring to Amsterdam. He will be in touch with Mr Kim. Is Mr Kim Chinese? I was in Hong Kong last year meeting a friend, Henry, a mild-mannered janitor. I wonder if Mr Kim knows him? Anyway, back to Amsterdam. Will I be meeting you there?
Sorry for the delay in responding. I’ve been involved in another race. This one was won by Rufus Ruffcut – who cheated – but his friend Sawtooth built a massive dam in the middle of the road. So I need my luck to change and hopefully you can help with that!
Dearest Brother Dick,
How are you doing today? Hope fine. Brother, please note that is not wise for your friend to contact Mr Kim because you are the one standing as my representative and partner.
Brother I advise you receive the money from your friend and then travel to Amsterdam with it for the purpose discussed. Please do comply with them, OK? As soon as you arrive please hand over the money to them and then they will immediately hand over the consignment to you in good faith.
Keep me posted with every detail of the transaction as soon as you arrive in Amsterdam, OK?
Thanks and remain blessed.
Mr Joseph Mobutu
OK, so you don’t want the Ant Hill Mob involved in this. It will be a problem for them, as they are my business partners who were going to invest heavily in prostitution, drugs, guns (remember the army sarge from earlier?) and big black cars with floor improvement issues. Also, of course, Pat Pending needs the funds for his Ring-A-Ding Convert-A-Car, so we need to get things moving quickly. Anyway, I’ll be in touch with Golden Global Securities about the 10 Euros deposit and flight details. As they say in America, ‘Stop the Pigeon!’ – let’s get this bird in the air.
I’m looking forward to seeing all the money. Will it be in dollars or Euros or some other currency? I can’t wait to spend my share of what’s left, then it’ll be ‘YabbaDabbaDoo’ as they say in my home town of Bedrock.
I only hope I can get an airline which will allow my dog Muttley to come too; he travels everywhere with me. I’m looking at visiting in two weeks.
Anyway, enough of me, how are things in Nigeria? It must be pretty wacky out there at the moment what with you being under house arrest. How will I recognise Mr Kim (is he from Hong Kong?) Will you be there? How will he recognise me? Perhaps you could send me your picture so I can show it to him when I arrive. That way he will know that we are partners and I’m not some kind of chancer or fraud.
Let me know the answers to these questions ok, and we can then get the flights booked
Dear Mr Kim,
Further to my conversations with my good friend Nzanga Joseph, I am writing with regards my flight schedule. Myself and my partner are coming over on Northwest Airlines flight 8612 arriving at Amsterdam at 7.00 AM on January 23rd.
Please could you send me by email copies of the relevant documents to confirm the release of funds. I have had the 105.05 Euros released by the Ant Hill Mob. I need to know what you look like so can you send me a photograph to avoid any mixups? I have also asked Nzanga to send me his by email for me to copy so that I can present it to you to prove who I am. We have to conduct this transaction properly.
Photography by Moshe Tasky.