Reserved for VIPs

Judith Langridge reports. (Warning: satire).

Portsmouth City Council have spent £40,000 building a new VIP section in Gunwharf Quays, after the Duchess of Cambridge accidentally visited the city last month. A council spokesperson said the Duchess’s chauffeur made a wrong turn into the city and, realising his error, promptly left.

The Council’s Head of Statistics has calculated that an average of one Very Important Person a year finds themselves momentarily stranded somewhere on Portsea Island.

‘Famous people have been getting lost in Portsmouth every January since Charles Dickens revisited his birthplace in the 1860s,’ he said. ‘What we now know is that it will always happen in January, and we needed to get the VIP section finished before the next big name comes along. We want him or her to know that we really care, make them feel a bit special, you know?’’

Many Portsmouth residents are unhappy about the cost of the VIP section to council taxpayers. ‘Forty grand is a lot to pay out on the off-chance that some celeb might get stuck here once a year,’ one told us.

In response, the Council spokesperson stated that the section’s attractive new signs alone will ‘significantly improve tourism, culture and civilisation’ in Portsmouth.